You share that with them, too. The way you think you don't deserve the kindness you extend or the kindness that's extended towards you.
[ it's not lost on her. ]
I want all of you to run more towards happiness. If... or when they return, it's something I want to ask for. [ to strive for. ]
It's hurts to be left behind. I know I've deliberately left people behind before, so I... [ ... ] I may be too selfish for wanting not to be left behind now.
[ well. there's a little to unpack there, but it's not like orion has ever unpacked a single thing in their entire life and they absolutely won't start now. besides, there's something a little more important.
[ unpack your baggage, orion. they're so lucky shinobu is too miserable to completely to turn this around on them.
she sags a little a the question, leans back against the window, her back to all the sunlight. ]
Is there happiness for me to run towards?
I am happy to still have people to care for. I am happy that people still care for me, that Tsurumaru-san and Mikazuki-san continue to reach out to me, that Cloud-san, in his own awkward way, tried to lift my spirits, as did Dokja-san and Jin. I.... acknowledge Harrowhark-san coming to me after and being honest with me.
[ her voice gets quieter. ]
There are things I can be happy about, but I can't say I'm ready to go towards it now.
[ she doesn't mind being honest about it. she just hopes it doesn't weigh people too down to hear it. ]
The more I think about how this weekend went and how everything connected in the worst combination, the more I feel the darker parts of myself come to the surface. My sadness deepens, as does my anger and bitterness.
it's heartbreaking, to hear shinobu talk through these feelings and emotions - perhaps especially so for orion. these are the kind of feelings that they are intimately familiar with, and the sort of thing they'd never wish on shinobu. not for a single moment.
they come over to join her as she gets quieter, standing beside her. is there happiness for me to run towards? how do you pick up the pieces every time you find something close to it, and it's snatched out of your grasp? ]
...I understand how you feel. [ maybe better than most people. their tone is soft and quiet, not putting on any pretenses or fronts. it doesn't weigh orion down much - then again, this is sort of their usual MO, so, maybe this is the exact right person to talk to. ] Those dark parts can feel like they'll consume you whole, until you forget what it felt like to know anything else. It's like being mired down in a bog. [ because you can't move forward. why should you move forward? ]
Even so, the wound is still fresh - at its freshest. There is no one that should fault you for your pain, and should you mask it over, it doesn't go away. [ haha ] But to be raw, right now, I think is to be expected. If you can allow yourself those moments of feeling, you should, Lady Shinobu.
[ they're quiet, a moment longer, and then, softly; ] ... I don't want you to end up like I have.
I believe you are a better person than you think you are, as you still strive to be good and kind. I don't think people need or have to be good or kind all the time.
[ but orion isn't wrong. her wound is so raw and fresh that all she can feel are the dark parts seeping, gathering like shadows at every corner. light is a little hard to see when all she's done is try to be good and kind and support however and whoever she can, sacrifice all she can, only to have to see people she cares for die and die again and die and die again and have the people who kill them get to keep the people they care for.
she still hopes for people's happiness, for them to be able to hold onto their happiness, but it's hard not to have a little envy, a little resentment. shinobu is too human. ]
I've known anger and hatred for a long time, long for my lifetime, at least. [ she knows she's so young in comparison to many here. her years are short, but they have felt so long. ]
... I don't care for the act of framing someone, but by itself, I don't mind being framed. I would die for almost anyone. [ that's not a secret. it's the choice she made at camp. ] But if in the act of being framed, the care and love that people have for me is being used, that's something I won't let go.
Whoever killed Sylvain likely won't care, but it's something I'll never forgive.
[ orion, who knows exactly who killed sylvain, feels internally very sweaty at this proclamation, but it's not as if it's particularly surprising... or particularly different than literally anyone else's opinion on that person....
they don't respond to the first part, which is probably not surprising, but they glance to the side at shinobu as she continues. ]
...Sometimes, Lady Shinobu, I forget that you are as young as you are. [ it's a compliment, in some ways, but it's recognition, as well. both of her skills, intelligence, and maturity, and of her hardships. from her life, let alone from the camp and let alone from the terrible things this place has inflicted upon her. she shouldn't have to hurt this way.
they're quiet, again. ]
I don't think anyone could blame you for that. [ for being angry. ] I couldn't say who was the one responsible, but if you find out, then... I hope you are given the chance to confront them, at least. Perhaps it will provide a little catharsis.
[ but, it won't undo the actions caused, nor will it bring sylvain back, though they don't say that.
(orion voice: disappointed but not even a little surprised) ]
[ she closes her eyes for a brief moment, as it to keep some of her anger and pain at bay. it's not so much repression or suppression as much as she doesn't want to have orion bear the brunt of it when all they're doing is being kind and listening. ]
If it is who I think it is, his words from Sunday only become uglier and uglier in my mind. It makes me think a straightforward confrontation would be meaningless.
[ her smile is sharp, vicious. ]
I did think, of asking for your room service, in order to hurt him, but even if he used yours to hurt me... I should try to rise above it, shouldn't I?
[ her voice grows soft, softer. ]
To be a kind and perfect person.
[ she is still 2 seconds away from being a horrible petty bitch. ]
[ this entire tag is a lot. they glance at her when she smiles that way, but turn their gaze back outwards, and don't say much beyond that, at first. they can't agree or disagree, after all, with nothing proven and nothing said.
but at the last part, orion exhales a breath it might not have been obvious he was holding. ]
... Those standards are the ones I tried to hold myself to, and... failed, catastrophically. And have continued to fail, catastrophically. [ he's sure shinobu will argue this but also - orion's standards for himself are incredibly high already, so it's a little like arguing with a brick wall. he continues. ] I would of course offer it to you, if you wanted it, but...
...we always have the option to be better, and every decision I have made in anger is one that I have always regretted. The moment of catharsis was always less worth it than it should have been.
[ her mental health is in the absolute shitter. the more these two vibe, the more worrying it is. ]
You need to adjust your standards. You continue to hurt yourself this way.
[ she knows he won't listen, but it must be said.
she listens to him, and that's only proof that he is kinder than he thinks. ]
I have often felt justified in my anger. I am vengeful. I will never pretend I'm not. The times I succeeded in my revenge, I did not regret it. I was content.
But the circumstances are different here.
[ ... ]
It just hurts a little, to want to be and try to be better, but other people aren't. It's tiring.
[ orion says in agreement, voice soft. shinobu's situation isn't unfamiliar to them, in many ways. it's the memory of a friend who committed an act of vengeance when orion had tried to be kind, and the memory of how horrific he felt when he'd lost control and done something of the same. the want to be kind and perfect, to be good; it clashes so terribly with being human. ]
If there's a way to speak with the person who you think did it, then... I hope that you could, Lady Shinobu. I think perhaps that attitude may resonate more than you would think.
[ that being said... ]
...I'm not sure if I have forgiven Mr. Sieghart. I'm not entirely sure if I ever will.
... I am not afraid to talk to him, but I do not think I have it in me to be mature while talking to him.
[ at least not right now. she is unfailingly human, and she has never been more human than in this week, aching, hurting, and angry, always too angry. ]
Not for a while yet. [ she is still young in that way. ] I'll apologize in advance for any disturbance I cause.
[ sometimes, you're just a petty teenager and can't help it.
but on forgiveness: ]
You don't have to. I wouldn't expect you to. I don't think he would either.
[ the apology makes him- sort of helplessly laugh, head dropping. it's sort of humorless, but it's more like you just have to laugh. ]
... I am more than used to dealing with disturbances. [ for so many reasons. also, it's not like... the alleged perpetrator isn't just a walking disturbance most of the time. orion is very tired. ] But your consideration is appreciated, as always.
[ and... for the last bit, he shifts a little, uncomfortable. some of the weight that's always on orion's shoulders seems heavier, here; he seems smaller. ]
... I don't either. But... even still, I know that I should. [ forgive him. ] Someone showed me grace in a similar moment, and I'll never forget it. It changed my life. It would be the right thing to do.
[ there's an unvoiced thought there; but can I do the right thing? ]
[ her very human and teenage side aside, his next words make her look at him more closely. she steps away from the window and makes her way over to him.
she reaches for his hands. her words are soft. ]
I may not be the right person to say this, as I don't care what you should do, only what is best and what would make you feel better. What the right thing to do is... it isn't the same for everyone, but because you have those thoughts, I think you can. You strive towards kindness, always.
In time, you'll be able to do what's right for you and what you you think the right thing is.
I don't think forgiveness should be easily given or easily received. That's what gives it meaning.
[ it is easier for shinobu to grab hold onto anger, but she also knows how far compassion can go. ]
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no subject
You share that with them, too. The way you think you don't deserve the kindness you extend or the kindness that's extended towards you.
[ it's not lost on her. ]
I want all of you to run more towards happiness. If... or when they return, it's something I want to ask for. [ to strive for. ]
It's hurts to be left behind. I know I've deliberately left people behind before, so I... [ ... ] I may be too selfish for wanting not to be left behind now.
no subject
... ]
And your happiness, Lady Shinobu?
no subject
she sags a little a the question, leans back against the window, her back to all the sunlight. ]
Is there happiness for me to run towards?
I am happy to still have people to care for. I am happy that people still care for me, that Tsurumaru-san and Mikazuki-san continue to reach out to me, that Cloud-san, in his own awkward way, tried to lift my spirits, as did Dokja-san and Jin. I.... acknowledge Harrowhark-san coming to me after and being honest with me.
[ her voice gets quieter. ]
There are things I can be happy about, but I can't say I'm ready to go towards it now.
[ she doesn't mind being honest about it. she just hopes it doesn't weigh people too down to hear it. ]
The more I think about how this weekend went and how everything connected in the worst combination, the more I feel the darker parts of myself come to the surface. My sadness deepens, as does my anger and bitterness.
There is less and less I wish to forgive.
no subject
it's heartbreaking, to hear shinobu talk through these feelings and emotions - perhaps especially so for orion. these are the kind of feelings that they are intimately familiar with, and the sort of thing they'd never wish on shinobu. not for a single moment.
they come over to join her as she gets quieter, standing beside her. is there happiness for me to run towards? how do you pick up the pieces every time you find something close to it, and it's snatched out of your grasp? ]
...I understand how you feel. [ maybe better than most people. their tone is soft and quiet, not putting on any pretenses or fronts. it doesn't weigh orion down much - then again, this is sort of their usual MO, so, maybe this is the exact right person to talk to. ] Those dark parts can feel like they'll consume you whole, until you forget what it felt like to know anything else. It's like being mired down in a bog. [ because you can't move forward. why should you move forward? ]
Even so, the wound is still fresh - at its freshest. There is no one that should fault you for your pain, and should you mask it over, it doesn't go away. [ haha ] But to be raw, right now, I think is to be expected. If you can allow yourself those moments of feeling, you should, Lady Shinobu.
[ they're quiet, a moment longer, and then, softly; ] ... I don't want you to end up like I have.
no subject
I believe you are a better person than you think you are, as you still strive to be good and kind. I don't think people need or have to be good or kind all the time.
[ but orion isn't wrong. her wound is so raw and fresh that all she can feel are the dark parts seeping, gathering like shadows at every corner. light is a little hard to see when all she's done is try to be good and kind and support however and whoever she can, sacrifice all she can, only to have to see people she cares for die and die again and die and die again and have the people who kill them get to keep the people they care for.
she still hopes for people's happiness, for them to be able to hold onto their happiness, but it's hard not to have a little envy, a little resentment. shinobu is too human. ]
I've known anger and hatred for a long time, long for my lifetime, at least. [ she knows she's so young in comparison to many here. her years are short, but they have felt so long. ]
... I don't care for the act of framing someone, but by itself, I don't mind being framed. I would die for almost anyone. [ that's not a secret. it's the choice she made at camp. ] But if in the act of being framed, the care and love that people have for me is being used, that's something I won't let go.
Whoever killed Sylvain likely won't care, but it's something I'll never forgive.
[ she's going to become a hua cheng anti. ]
no subject
they don't respond to the first part, which is probably not surprising, but they glance to the side at shinobu as she continues. ]
...Sometimes, Lady Shinobu, I forget that you are as young as you are. [ it's a compliment, in some ways, but it's recognition, as well. both of her skills, intelligence, and maturity, and of her hardships. from her life, let alone from the camp and let alone from the terrible things this place has inflicted upon her. she shouldn't have to hurt this way.
they're quiet, again. ]
I don't think anyone could blame you for that. [ for being angry. ] I couldn't say who was the one responsible, but if you find out, then... I hope you are given the chance to confront them, at least. Perhaps it will provide a little catharsis.
[ but, it won't undo the actions caused, nor will it bring sylvain back, though they don't say that.
(orion voice: disappointed but not even a little surprised) ]
no subject
If it is who I think it is, his words from Sunday only become uglier and uglier in my mind. It makes me think a straightforward confrontation would be meaningless.
[ her smile is sharp, vicious. ]
I did think, of asking for your room service, in order to hurt him, but even if he used yours to hurt me... I should try to rise above it, shouldn't I?
[ her voice grows soft, softer. ]
To be a kind and perfect person.
[ she is still 2 seconds away from being a horrible petty bitch. ]
no subject
but at the last part, orion exhales a breath it might not have been obvious he was holding. ]
... Those standards are the ones I tried to hold myself to, and... failed, catastrophically. And have continued to fail, catastrophically. [ he's sure shinobu will argue this but also - orion's standards for himself are incredibly high already, so it's a little like arguing with a brick wall. he continues. ] I would of course offer it to you, if you wanted it, but...
...we always have the option to be better, and every decision I have made in anger is one that I have always regretted. The moment of catharsis was always less worth it than it should have been.
[ it's quiet to match her, and honest. ]
no subject
You need to adjust your standards. You continue to hurt yourself this way.
[ she knows he won't listen, but it must be said.
she listens to him, and that's only proof that he is kinder than he thinks. ]
I have often felt justified in my anger. I am vengeful. I will never pretend I'm not. The times I succeeded in my revenge, I did not regret it. I was content.
But the circumstances are different here.
[ ... ]
It just hurts a little, to want to be and try to be better, but other people aren't. It's tiring.
[ she sounds tired. ]
no subject
[ orion says in agreement, voice soft. shinobu's situation isn't unfamiliar to them, in many ways. it's the memory of a friend who committed an act of vengeance when orion had tried to be kind, and the memory of how horrific he felt when he'd lost control and done something of the same. the want to be kind and perfect, to be good; it clashes so terribly with being human. ]
If there's a way to speak with the person who you think did it, then... I hope that you could, Lady Shinobu. I think perhaps that attitude may resonate more than you would think.
[ that being said... ]
...I'm not sure if I have forgiven Mr. Sieghart. I'm not entirely sure if I ever will.
no subject
[ at least not right now. she is unfailingly human, and she has never been more human than in this week, aching, hurting, and angry, always too angry. ]
Not for a while yet. [ she is still young in that way. ] I'll apologize in advance for any disturbance I cause.
[ sometimes, you're just a petty teenager and can't help it.
but on forgiveness: ]
You don't have to. I wouldn't expect you to. I don't think he would either.
no subject
... I am more than used to dealing with disturbances. [ for so many reasons. also, it's not like... the alleged perpetrator isn't just a walking disturbance most of the time. orion is very tired. ] But your consideration is appreciated, as always.
[ and... for the last bit, he shifts a little, uncomfortable. some of the weight that's always on orion's shoulders seems heavier, here; he seems smaller. ]
... I don't either. But... even still, I know that I should. [ forgive him. ] Someone showed me grace in a similar moment, and I'll never forget it. It changed my life. It would be the right thing to do.
[ there's an unvoiced thought there; but can I do the right thing? ]
no subject
she reaches for his hands. her words are soft. ]
I may not be the right person to say this, as I don't care what you should do, only what is best and what would make you feel better. What the right thing to do is... it isn't the same for everyone, but because you have those thoughts, I think you can. You strive towards kindness, always.
In time, you'll be able to do what's right for you and what you you think the right thing is.
I don't think forgiveness should be easily given or easily received. That's what gives it meaning.
[ it is easier for shinobu to grab hold onto anger, but she also knows how far compassion can go. ]