...I think the whole "I'm gonna just write myself out because I'm immortal" thing is - what's the point of that? To protect yourself, right? But you're going to end up hurt no matter what, whether they're gone however many years from now or they're gone today because you left. I think it's - if it's there for you, if that person knows about it, and they're willing to accept it too, then your life'll be better for it. It's better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all.
Even it's only a short moment, and it's one you're gonna lose someday, or something you might never get to go back to, that short moment's still important.
[ they open their mouths to say something else, and then stop themselves, seeming to realize that they rambled.
... ]
...anyway. I know more than you'd think. [ they put their chin on the bed and huff, not looking at lup. ] About that sort of thing.
He died, and I hurt everything around me. Even though it wasn't their fault. Not even just hurt, I was going to kill them.
[...] I haven't done anything here yet. Maybe because with what I've been tasked to do it feels hypocritical. Maybe because there's a part of me that uh, that still hopes it doesn't have to be that way. But I also wonder how long I have before it starts to not be a choice.
[ temper's very human, isn't it? but, that's all they say to that part, listening to lup as she talks, and digging their thumb into their palm for a moment, as they gather their thoughts. ]
...There's an old saying - once an arrow's on a bowstring, it has to be shot. For you all, your arrow has been loaded for weeks, now. Holding a bowstring at the ready is hard.
[ absently, they lift their arms and mime the position of drawing back a bow. ] It requires a lot of strength and fortitude, not to just snap. [ and then release it. ] Don't misunderstand, though - I don't think I would say that Clementine or Sieghart were particularly weak. Rather, just that they were unlucky. Luck's never a choice, either.
Beyond luck, then the question becomes, is there ever a right moment? Or can you keep holding the bowstring steady for weeks at a time - and if that interference comes, is it worth it to try and weather it, or should you release ahead of the curve?
[ ... they let their arms drop back down. ]
It's a long winded way to say that that's a gamble, and I don't think any of us have an answer to it. You're right, that there's no predicting who will be next. Maybe it is worth it to choose on your own: at least then you have some control over the results, and it's your choices you have to live with instead of someone else's.
...'s what I would do, I think. If I were in your shoes, I probably would've done something massively stupid already.
... That's always what it is. Choices you have to live with. After everything, I just don't know if I can bring myself to decide to hurt someone and their hostage for me and mine.
Those excursions are designed to put you guys in pressure cookers, as far as I can tell. Like everything else.
[ .... ]
... You were in a situation like mine, in the station, weren't you? I haven't read a lot about it, but.. if I remember right, you guys chose to go there. Did you feel like you were fully in control of that choice? Or did something happen that made you agree to it?
I was the staff of mine. Yes. [... as for the rest:] Taako was in danger. I wanted to save him. Something said it'd give me the ability to. So I said yes.
[ sounds about right. they turn to meet her gaze. ]
...Then... based on what you told me, I'd say - [ and with some emphasis, here ] fuck making the decision to kill someone. Fuck that.
I don't think it reflects on you that you wanted to save the person you love. I don't think it reflects on you that you lost it when you lost them, either, especially since it was in a situation designed to make you lose it. If you got coerced into doing this like that both times, and before, you made the choice and hated it, then this time, leave it out of your hands, and just do as much good as you can in the meantime.
You've already done a lot of good, here. Fate's a fickle bitch, but she's at least impassive. Flip the whole thing the fucking middle finger and walk your own path. That's part of what your job's all about. You get to tell death "not today".
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
guestservices) wrote2022-06-09 12:18 pm
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anyway they
blink ]
Know we're in a - kinda shit situation for the 'good old mental health', but, that kinda takes the shit cake.
[ there's a beat. ... they scooch a little closer. ]
... Tell me about your brother? Taako. Not in the thing, just - in general.
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I feel like I've talked about him more here than anywhere else. [...] I never know what to say. He's my twin, and I love him more than anything.
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[ a beat. ]
Tell me about the other guy, then? For the variety. ... If you want to. Iunno, I - if it was me, it helps.
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... Hah, well. [she picks at the gloves again.] I don't know about that one. He's not really mine. He's a reckless dingus, though.
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they laugh a little, shifting and finally just sitting back down on the floor. ] You seem to really attract those kind of people.
Not really yours, though?
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He's with someone else, which is fine. [waves a hand.] I'm the third.
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[ they pause. she might get the sense they wrinkle their nose. ] Did he tell you that, or...?
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[ wow they just put that right out there ]
Would they be upset if they heard you saying this?
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a pause? and she just looks at them, amused.]
Wow. You don't know anything about it, so I don't see any reason for you to pass judgement.
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[ their wings poof up a little. ]
...I think the whole "I'm gonna just write myself out because I'm immortal" thing is - what's the point of that? To protect yourself, right? But you're going to end up hurt no matter what, whether they're gone however many years from now or they're gone today because you left. I think it's - if it's there for you, if that person knows about it, and they're willing to accept it too, then your life'll be better for it. It's better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all.
Even it's only a short moment, and it's one you're gonna lose someday, or something you might never get to go back to, that short moment's still important.
[ they open their mouths to say something else, and then stop themselves, seeming to realize that they rambled.
... ]
...anyway. I know more than you'd think. [ they put their chin on the bed and huff, not looking at lup. ] About that sort of thing.
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Sounds like you do. [wryly.] You are assuming a lot, though. Sometimes it's just as simple as not being as important as someone else.
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...Think you're probably writing yourself off, but. [ ... ] Yeah. I guess I don't know.
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Mmm. What did I do to get you so hard in my corner, huh?
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... I like the way that you care.
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And if I told you I don't always? Care, I mean.
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Then, I'd amend, and say that you care about what matters.
[ ... ]
...As far as I've seen, anyway.
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I wonder if you'd say the same thing if you'd seen me during my excursion, yeah.
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[ they shift to sit up a little, finally, reaching under their veil to adjust something or rub at their nose. ]
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[she tilts her head back.]
He died, and I hurt everything around me. Even though it wasn't their fault. Not even just hurt, I was going to kill them.
[...] I haven't done anything here yet. Maybe because with what I've been tasked to do it feels hypocritical. Maybe because there's a part of me that uh, that still hopes it doesn't have to be that way. But I also wonder how long I have before it starts to not be a choice.
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...I get that.
[ temper's very human, isn't it? but, that's all they say to that part, listening to lup as she talks, and digging their thumb into their palm for a moment, as they gather their thoughts. ]
...There's an old saying - once an arrow's on a bowstring, it has to be shot. For you all, your arrow has been loaded for weeks, now. Holding a bowstring at the ready is hard.
[ absently, they lift their arms and mime the position of drawing back a bow. ] It requires a lot of strength and fortitude, not to just snap. [ and then release it. ] Don't misunderstand, though - I don't think I would say that Clementine or Sieghart were particularly weak. Rather, just that they were unlucky. Luck's never a choice, either.
Beyond luck, then the question becomes, is there ever a right moment? Or can you keep holding the bowstring steady for weeks at a time - and if that interference comes, is it worth it to try and weather it, or should you release ahead of the curve?
[ ... they let their arms drop back down. ]
It's a long winded way to say that that's a gamble, and I don't think any of us have an answer to it. You're right, that there's no predicting who will be next. Maybe it is worth it to choose on your own: at least then you have some control over the results, and it's your choices you have to live with instead of someone else's.
...'s what I would do, I think. If I were in your shoes, I probably would've done something massively stupid already.
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[her hand wanders up to the back of her neck.]
But I did. In there, I did.
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Those excursions are designed to put you guys in pressure cookers, as far as I can tell. Like everything else.
[ .... ]
... You were in a situation like mine, in the station, weren't you? I haven't read a lot about it, but.. if I remember right, you guys chose to go there. Did you feel like you were fully in control of that choice? Or did something happen that made you agree to it?
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I was the staff of mine. Yes. [... as for the rest:] Taako was in danger. I wanted to save him. Something said it'd give me the ability to. So I said yes.
Not every different from here, actually.
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[ sounds about right. they turn to meet her gaze. ]
...Then... based on what you told me, I'd say - [ and with some emphasis, here ] fuck making the decision to kill someone. Fuck that.
I don't think it reflects on you that you wanted to save the person you love. I don't think it reflects on you that you lost it when you lost them, either, especially since it was in a situation designed to make you lose it. If you got coerced into doing this like that both times, and before, you made the choice and hated it, then this time, leave it out of your hands, and just do as much good as you can in the meantime.
You've already done a lot of good, here. Fate's a fickle bitch, but she's at least impassive. Flip the whole thing the fucking middle finger and walk your own path. That's part of what your job's all about. You get to tell death "not today".
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