AUDIENCE FOR: Harrowhark

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[outsidebones]

I'm going to buy a gun and use my power to command them to do the deed themselves. The size discrepancy will only work to my advantage.

[guestservices]

[they make a whining noise in the back of their throat]

...you have a point, but still...!

[outsidebones]

I do know what I'm doing. [a sigh.]

I know you will hate me saying this, but it feels almost wrong to ask her to choose me this week. There was something poetic about the notion of dying for my house.

[guestservices]

...oh, who gives a crap about what is and isn't poetic!

[heLLO.]

You think that's going to comfort any of the people here you care about you? You think your friends from the station are just going to say "Oh, she died a poetic death, so it's okay"? No! They won't! So get that stupid thought out of your head!

[well



she was not wrong in that they would hate her saying this!]

[outsidebones]

[she seems a bit stunned by the outburst for a moment, and then she laughs slightly, rubbing at her face.]

I'm sorry. I'm taking advantage of you, aren't I? Saying these things, knowing you can't do anything about them.

[guestservices]

You're not the type of person who says things thoughtlessly, so if you're saying them, then in some way they need to be said - but really, Harrow! Value your own life a little more!

[outsidebones]

I do value my life. [a small wry smile.] Too much. I've always chosen to live, even when I wasn't supposed to.

I'm not really a person, Vulpecula. I'm the souls of two hundred dead children, and I exist to serve my House. The notion of putting those souls to rest, finally, in service of their home is...there's a justice in it.

But I don't want to die.

[guestservices]

Then don't die! They're a part of you, it sounds like, but - Harrow, that's not all you are. You're also you. Whatever your circumstances, whatever you went through that brought you to this moment - I'm talking to Harrowhark Nonagesimus, who is right in front of me right now.

And that's that!

[outsidebones]

[...she glances away, embarrassed and a bit miserable, something needy and ashamed about her.]

I told Lup to choose me, so...you needn't worry.

[guestservices]

Good!

[they



sound like they're sulking a little. god. stupid.]

...sorry. I just - I shouldn't have gotten so worked up. That's not really fair to you either, when you're the one who's going to be... you know...

[committing a murder... doing all the hard work...?]

[outsidebones]

Don't be sorry. [she's chewing her lip hard enough to draw blood.] I'm the one who...I don't know how to be someone else, besides all of that, and still...

[guestservices]

...it takes time, that's all. You'll definitely figure it out. And you've got good people around you to help you figure it out... it's okay to rely on them, you know.

[outsidebones]

...I am not so good at doing so.

[also, i'm giving you a memory.]

[guestservices]

I know. It's a learned skill, but you—

[—have time, they would say, if they had enough time to get the words out before the stardust engulfed them and the memory began to play out before their eyes.

...

why is harrow's life suffering. god. god!!! this canon is so mean to her! so fucking mean!! all this to say, even with the way vulpecula's expression is obscured by their veil, they seem affected by the memory.]

Harrow...

[outsidebones]

[she wipes at her face, but in some ways, that memory is a fond one.]

...He felt so differently about all of it than I expected him to.

[guestservices]

People are... like that, aren't they? If there's anything that's predictable about people, it's how unpredictable they are.

[outsidebones]

Yes. [a slightly wet laugh.] I was always dreadful to him. My parents killed his father. [...] They didn't only kill him, they demanded that he kill himself, and he did it without question.

All Ortus cared about was his poetry, and I forced him to be my cavalier, and I put him in the situation that eventually led to his death for my own personal, petty reason. He would have been well within his rights to hate me.

[guestservices]

...I'm not sure I'd say the only thing he cared about what his poetry. From what I just saw - it also seems that he cared quite a lot about you.

[outsidebones]

...Yes, I suppose you're right.

[guestservices]

[tmw i want to have vulpecula say more but i don't know what

so. they start to say something (though, again, i don't know what would be), and a convenient shower of stardust cuts them off.

You wake up.

It's another day in this place, and you - you're tired, but you know you can't just stay in bed all day, so you resolve to get up. It takes you a moment, because the pillows and blankets are really more comfortable than they have any right to be.

You sit up, swing your legs over the side of the bed, and stand -

"AUGH!"

And fall, because it isn't legs, plural, anymore. It's leg. One leg. You're missing one of your legs, and you really don't have anyone to blame for it but yourself. ...yourself, and the hateful situation you went through, that wretched creature that got ahold of you, but -

No. It's your own fault. Your actions led to that particular outcome, and you shouldn't blame others for it.

One must take responsibility for the things they do, after all.

Gritting your teeth, you use your arms to push yourself back up into a sitting position, then hold onto your bed to keep your balance as you get up on one leg. You have the feeling you'll get scolded if you get caught hopping around, so you'll have to figure out something to use as a crutch. But you'll figure it out. You've always been more resourceful than most people give you credit for, you remind yourself.

Even your brother would be astounded - and you hope, a little impressed? - if he saw what you had accomplished without him.

...one step at a time. This missing leg won't keep you down for long.

You won't let it.

...vulpecula goes very still and very quiet.]

[outsidebones]

[hmm. she gazes very carefully at vulpecula, and nods her head.]

I thought so. But we do not need to speak of it.

[guestservices]

...thank you...

[they seem. a little awkward? embarrassed, maybe? who wouldn't be embarrassed over someone witnessing them forget they were missing a leg and falling over. damn.]

[outsidebones]

[damn. no, she'll do them the courtesy of looking away.]

These memories are inconvenient at times.

[guestservices]

Tell me about it...

[they sigh heavily.]

[outsidebones]

[she looks uncertain for a moment, but...]

I'm glad.