AUDIENCE FOR: Butt Strife

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[skyagain]

It's not like I'm the only one who's been through that.

[ n...now ]

[resumed]

And I'm going to have a similar conversation with Joonghyuk if he comes to see me and mentions it.

[skyagain]

[ frowns because excuse you!! cloud didn't mention it!!! ]

You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine.

[ no one believes this ]

[resumed]

[just. staring.

but he's a hypocrite and he'd be pissed if someone pressed, so.]

...if you need to say you're fine to keep going, then okay. I believe you.

[skyagain]

[ he kind of grimaces ]

That's not... [ hrmmm. the balance between not wanting to share, not wanting to burden a literal baby (he's like 16) with issues and also not give him the wrong idea!!! he sighs, crossing his arms ] ... I'm not lying when I say I don't think I've had it worse than anyone else. But I...

[ this is killing him. he hates talking about himself and feelings both. ]

I don't know. Guess the only way I know how to go is forward.

[resumed]

[there's a nod because yeah, same hat, and also he gets it entirely.]

Going forward is the only way that really makes sense. [he's ignored so much stuff too.] But lately I've had people trying to tell me how to think and address stuff behind me to keep clearing the path ahead. If that makes any sense. It's a weird process sometimes.

[sometimes people tell you that you can't keep ignoring your ptsd and you frown about it.]

[skyagain]

... Yeah. Everyone always wants me to talk about stuff.

[ which makes him feel both "no?" and also mildly guilty. he knows they care but ff7 has no therapy sometimes you just sit there and ignore all issues ]

I don't know what there is to say about any of it. It happened.

[resumed]

[he draws his legs to his chest, resting his chin on his knees and staring at cloud.]

It happened. [that's about right.] Everyone wants you to talk, but what is it that you actually want to do then?

[skyagain]

[ never talk about it again and bury that shit ]

... About the things that happened? Or in general?

[resumed]

Since you're asking, why not both?

[skyagain]

... Right now, I just want to make sure everyone gets out of here safe and sound.

[ so that's the answer for general. for what happened... he kind of. stares off into the distance because he did this to himself ]

Things that happened to me just...happened. I don't know. It doesn't feel worth talking about that much.

[resumed]

And if other people feel like it's worth talking about? How do you tell them no?

[listen they are same hat. he is now just nosy.]

After you reach the goal you have set and get everyone to safety. That should be the priority.

[skyagain]

I don't know. People didn't try to get me to talk about anything this hard before this place. Maybe in the Realm, but then I had the advantage of not remembering jack for them to ask about.

[ a little. dryly on that one. ]

People generally take no better back home.

[ most of the time they are dealing with their own shit and no one has time to fully address anything also that helps ]

[resumed]

[. . .]

I had almost all of memories wiped several decades ago. It's both weird and frustrating when people ask me about things I don't remember at all. It wasn't really until recently that people tried to ask me stuff, too.

Most people are good at leaving things alone. But eventually you meet someone stubborn enough who won't. That's all.

[skyagain]

... What's with everyone in this place and memory stuff?

[ half to himself, a little wry, a little wary. he shakes his head because this is Not nico's problem to deal with ]

Stubbornness is definitely the one trait everyone here's got in common. [ himself included, he knows. ]

[resumed]

[shrug.]

It's not really a common factor I wish I had with people. And I'd say I'd like if people were a little less stubborn, but that would be a lie. Stubbornness is probably going to be what helps you guys win.

[skyagain]

Yeah, probably. [ he can agree to that. there's a long pause, though, because it's a subject change but. buuut. ] How do you deal with it? The forgetting.

[resumed]

[mmm....]

...for a long time, I didn't really. Not very well. For a while, I don't know if I really understood just how much I had forgotten. Maybe I thought that was normal. Kids forget things sometimes, but I still knew a lot of basic facts. I knew my name. I knew I was ten. I knew some of the things I liked. And I knew my sister and I only had each other. After she died and I was alone it got worse. I wanted to get answers. I was willing to do whatever it took to get them but eventually I had to stop and reassess what I was doing with my life and what ghosts I really wanted to chase.

Even now, it comes and goes. Sometimes I remember things like learning about terza rima in elementary school but I can't recall the last thing I ate. I can remember certain conversations with my father in the most inappropriate moments, but I can't always clearly picture my mother's face. Everything has changed so drastically from what it was before I lost those memories that sometimes I accidentally find new things that make it worse.

[none of this is reassuring, but.]

...but like I said. Eventually everyone meets someone stubborn enough to stick around and try to help you remember the things you forget or make up for the gaps you can never recover. I've forgotten a lot, but a lot of the things I do remember aren't always good either. Having some people who don't know how to back off does help a little to try and put things together.

[skyagain]

[ oh he's kind of sorry he asked. he didn't want to depress nico, for one. (and some of the rest of those feelings sound too familiar, and he is not sure he wants to address that possibility fully currently.)

... he hesitantly reaches out to squeeze his shoulder once before removing his hand ]

Sorry. I wasn't...

[ trying to remind him of said bad stuff? he frowns, relents; ]

I don't know if it is a memory thing. Not totally. But there are... gaps. [ and that's why he asked, he means. ] I don't know.

[resumed]

[he doesn't seem that sad, or maybe he's just constantly miserable enough it's looped around to normal. so he lets the shoulder squeeze happen before shaking his head.]

You didn't do anything wrong. But I thought context would help. [there's a soft hum to that though.] ...how noticeable are these gaps?

[skyagain]

... There's things that are clearer. And stuff that feels more... muddled. I know it... had to have happened, but I can't always remember the details. [ there's another pause ] ... Five years ago, I don't remember what happened after I killed Sephiroth. I don't remember... most of those years. I know I spent some of it traveling back. That I decided to go back to Midgar to be a mercenary. But the rest is all-- a blur.

[resumed]

[...there's a pause.]

But he didn't stay dead. Right?

[skyagain]

No, he didn't. [ a little darkly ] ... I don't know how, but he's done a lot of stuff that should be impossible.

[resumed]

[give him a second to think.]

What exactly is he? When people don't stay dead, it usually means either they weren't killed with the right kind of weapon, they're not fully mortal, or there's something deeply wrong with the planet that death doesn't stick.

[skyagain]

... I'm not sure.

[ there's a pause ]

There's some stuff wrong with the planet, but I don't think that's why. [ he's not entirely sure because it's complicated, but. ] Back then, he said... his mother was a Cetra. We call them the Ancients. They're the people that were there before us on the planet. [ he frowns a little more deeply ] ... Aerith is one.

[ he doesn't know if jenova actually is a cetra, because she looks. fucking weird. then again cloud did mostly meet her head and then the rest of her body sans head. so. ]