their tone softens a little. ] ... I don't think "I don't want to kill someone" isn't justification, really. But... well.
[ they make a thoughtful noise, looking away from her for a moment. ] Sometimes - sometimes, the duty put on your shoulders, or your origin in life, or whatever, sometimes that determines what you're supposed to do, but, sometimes it determines what you can't do, too. What you want, and what you can't want.
Kind of stuck between the head and the heart. Right? Except the heart still knows what you're supposed to do, too. It's a shitty position to be in.
[she nods her head slowly, automatically; this isn't a lesson she needs to hear, exactly. her entire life has been about duty. but it helps all the same to understand that aquila understands.]
My duty is clear, and has been since arrival. I would prefer to refrain from taking someone else's life, and I would prefer to live, but that isn't the option afforded me here. Even prioritizing caution that I not be caught is an inexcusable dereliction, given the circumstances.
[she sighs out.] Choosing between the head and the heart has never been my problem. It is only recently that I have considered the latter to be a choice I had the freedom to make, and I can't help but feel resentful to have the freedom taken from me once more.
[ they nod along, listening to everything harrow's saying. any of their usual sort of casual mannerisms are gone. ]
... I get that, too. [ this answer's a little quieter. ] And no matter how many times you guys look at your longterm, whatever it's gonna be, it doesn't change the immediacy of now, either.
Genuinely - I'm sorry, you got sucked back into this. I know it doesn't mean anything, but sometimes it's nice to hear.
Well. I won't waste your time in theatrics about it.
[baby is making a fuss about not wanting to kill people and die, gross. she seems to collect herself a bit.]
...Tell me this. I do get the sense you are encouraging me. That isn't unusual. In the last place we were in, my Avatar also encouraged me to do murders, but it was because he intended to feed us to a furby.
Can't just be encouraging? [ this comes out very dry, but. they lean against the counter, tilt their head up to look at the ceiling, veil tilting with the movement. ]
I can promise you there's no 'furby' at the end of the road. [ would that be fucked up or what. ] It's less about encouraging murder and more like... well, if I were in your shoes, I guess.
When faced with a choice like that, I think I'd choose the option of seeing a duty through, no matter how much I hated it. I'd do it smart, but I'd still do it. [ absently, they rub their thumb into their palm. ] I can't do anything in this situation but try and give you perspectives to consider, and talk through your options with you, if you want to talk through them.
But there's no quota or hungry monster or anything like that. Just a contract that has to be fulfilled.
[ a beat. ]
And you're not wasting my time, Harrow. You couldn't.
That we're evaluated at the end based on whether we provided sufficient entertainment could suggest that our host will be disappointed if there isn't enough murder.
[she chews her lip.]
No, I can believe you are just speaking as to what you would do. And I find your frankness refreshing, honestly. I've talked to Lup and Mollymauk, and they are both dear to me, but they both...are approaching this so sentimentally. I think the sense of duty you and I have are somewhat foreign to them, though I don't intend that as a smear on their character.
[ they continue their absent movements, thoughtful. ]
...yeah. I think it's important to have both kinds of people in your life. Sentimental and frank. You get too much of the sentimental, you lose track of reality. Too much of the other, and... well. I feel like we both know what that's like, too.
So no specific quota, but we aren't ruling out the possibility that it may be better if some people act independently of shadows.
[at least that's what she gleans from what they're talking around.]
Yes, I think so. I am grateful...for Mollymauk, especially. He was the one to convinced me in the first place that it was alright to make plans for the future based on my own happiness. [a sigh.] Both he and Lup have said if I kill someone, they will assist me. But I think, if I act, it will be alone.
Maybe. [ there's a pause, letting that settle, before they add: ]
All of you've already had your hands forced by the hostage situation. From my point of view, I don't really like being forced to do things. If I'm going to act on something like that, I'd rather do it of my own volition. At least then it's my choice, whether it's a good choice or not.
[ aquila listens carefully to harrow, and after a moment, they nod. ]
...Not going to let them cover for you, either, you don't think?
Some would. Some would think that choice to do so is up to you, no matter what the consequences are.
[ they hum. ] If they figure it out - aside from the fact that they'll likely cover for you anyway even if its in the middle of the trial - you'll have to face them afterwards. Are you ready for that?
I don't think your bridge'll burn as bad as you think it will. I think they'll be angry, sure.
[ they tilt their head back and forth for a moment. ]
...but, ultimately, I think they'll understand. Sort of a "that's what I thought you'd do, you dumb bone girl" situation. [ this is a fairly decent lup impression, actually. ]
More than anything, I think they just want you alive. So, you know what that means, right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[she chews on her lip.]
I know that you're right. If anything, I'm procrastinating. There's no justification for it.
no subject
their tone softens a little. ] ... I don't think "I don't want to kill someone" isn't justification, really. But... well.
[ they make a thoughtful noise, looking away from her for a moment. ] Sometimes - sometimes, the duty put on your shoulders, or your origin in life, or whatever, sometimes that determines what you're supposed to do, but, sometimes it determines what you can't do, too. What you want, and what you can't want.
Kind of stuck between the head and the heart. Right? Except the heart still knows what you're supposed to do, too. It's a shitty position to be in.
no subject
My duty is clear, and has been since arrival. I would prefer to refrain from taking someone else's life, and I would prefer to live, but that isn't the option afforded me here. Even prioritizing caution that I not be caught is an inexcusable dereliction, given the circumstances.
[she sighs out.] Choosing between the head and the heart has never been my problem. It is only recently that I have considered the latter to be a choice I had the freedom to make, and I can't help but feel resentful to have the freedom taken from me once more.
no subject
... I get that, too. [ this answer's a little quieter. ] And no matter how many times you guys look at your longterm, whatever it's gonna be, it doesn't change the immediacy of now, either.
Genuinely - I'm sorry, you got sucked back into this. I know it doesn't mean anything, but sometimes it's nice to hear.
no subject
[baby is making a fuss about not wanting to kill people and die, gross. she seems to collect herself a bit.]
...Tell me this. I do get the sense you are encouraging me. That isn't unusual. In the last place we were in, my Avatar also encouraged me to do murders, but it was because he intended to feed us to a furby.
no subject
Can't just be encouraging? [ this comes out very dry, but. they lean against the counter, tilt their head up to look at the ceiling, veil tilting with the movement. ]
I can promise you there's no 'furby' at the end of the road. [ would that be fucked up or what. ] It's less about encouraging murder and more like... well, if I were in your shoes, I guess.
When faced with a choice like that, I think I'd choose the option of seeing a duty through, no matter how much I hated it. I'd do it smart, but I'd still do it. [ absently, they rub their thumb into their palm. ] I can't do anything in this situation but try and give you perspectives to consider, and talk through your options with you, if you want to talk through them.
But there's no quota or hungry monster or anything like that. Just a contract that has to be fulfilled.
[ a beat. ]
And you're not wasting my time, Harrow. You couldn't.
no subject
[she didn't really think there was a hungry monster at the end, but...]
no subject
[ there's a faint smile in their voice, briefly, but it returns to business. ]
All the terms and agreements are already laid out for you guys.
no subject
[she chews her lip.]
No, I can believe you are just speaking as to what you would do. And I find your frankness refreshing, honestly. I've talked to Lup and Mollymauk, and they are both dear to me, but they both...are approaching this so sentimentally. I think the sense of duty you and I have are somewhat foreign to them, though I don't intend that as a smear on their character.
no subject
[ they continue their absent movements, thoughtful. ]
...yeah. I think it's important to have both kinds of people in your life. Sentimental and frank. You get too much of the sentimental, you lose track of reality. Too much of the other, and... well. I feel like we both know what that's like, too.
Gotta strike a balance. You know?
no subject
[at least that's what she gleans from what they're talking around.]
Yes, I think so. I am grateful...for Mollymauk, especially. He was the one to convinced me in the first place that it was alright to make plans for the future based on my own happiness. [a sigh.] Both he and Lup have said if I kill someone, they will assist me. But I think, if I act, it will be alone.
no subject
All of you've already had your hands forced by the hostage situation. From my point of view, I don't really like being forced to do things. If I'm going to act on something like that, I'd rather do it of my own volition. At least then it's my choice, whether it's a good choice or not.
[ aquila listens carefully to harrow, and after a moment, they nod. ]
...Not going to let them cover for you, either, you don't think?
no subject
no subject
Well said, Harrow.
no subject
no subject
[ they hum. ] If they figure it out - aside from the fact that they'll likely cover for you anyway even if its in the middle of the trial - you'll have to face them afterwards. Are you ready for that?
no subject
no subject
[ they tilt their head back and forth for a moment. ]
...but, ultimately, I think they'll understand. Sort of a "that's what I thought you'd do, you dumb bone girl" situation. [ this is a fairly decent lup impression, actually. ]
More than anything, I think they just want you alive. So, you know what that means, right?
no subject
[a deep sigh.]
I've been dramatically died for before and I don't recommend it. No thank you.
no subject
He almost certainly will, yes.
[ they reach up under their veil to adjust something, or rub between their eyebrows. ]
I was going to say it means don't get caught, but that'd be a byproduct of that anyway.
no subject
no subject
[ they laugh again, though. ]
I wish you luck, Harrow. I'm not really supposed to have favorites, but I'll be rooting for you.
no subject
You say that now, until I happen to kill one of your favorites.
no subject
Eh. I doubt you will.
no subject
I would not be this confident if I were you.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)