[ a moment or two later, there’s a polite knock at the door.
…..
And then a pause, and then the shadows appear and Orion steps into her room. they keep their distance for the moment, but greet maybe quieter than usual: ] Good evening.
[she's curled up on her bed, hugging a pillow. her head is swimming a bit after sitting up to type, so her eyes are closed - she startles a little when orion speaks, and then:]
[ ... ] I don't think it's an unnatural feeling for anyone to have. Everyone wants to belong, don't they...? No matter how large or small the amount of people involved.
But everywhere else - everywhere else. I'm Wrath. I'm Phoenix, I'm Aerith, I'm someone else's Lup. [silence, and then:] I haven't felt like I belong anywhere since before the station. It's a new feeling.
[she doesn't like insecurity, actually! it sucks!]
... they're quiet for a second longer, before they respond. ]
I know how that feels. [ but they don't extrapolate, really, just looking down at their gloved hands before they speak again. ] ... There's a certain expectation to being someone that others place upon you, whether it's on purpose or on accident. And, when you can't be that person... it becomes easy to question if you should be. Or... that you could be no one at all, as if that could perhaps be easier.
It is rather lonely.
[ ... ] If it helps any, we don't know you, and all of us have enjoyed you as you are. Not as someone else.
she's had such a day that it kind of kicks her in the chest a little, and she turns her head to hide her face.]
I uh. I appreciate it. [she says, quietly. but it kind of just sounds like she's being polite, maybe, which is terrifying. maybe she has more brain damage from falling out of the tree than she thought.
still. she's thinking about what they said. she has to sort of mull it over, because her brain is soup.]
they reach into their sleeve, and quietly, without saying anything else, pass over a little handkerchief with a star on it, setting it on the bed. just in case she needs it. ]
Mm. [ they glance down, absently tugging at their gloves. their voice is soft, here. ] Having to live like that is - I wouldn't recommend something like it to anyone.
...You have to forge your own connections beyond what people assume of you, and make sure they can't see you as anything else than the person you are now. That's the only thing you can control - who you are, and... controlling that sometimes can be more difficult than it might seem.
And... for that loneliness, it... sometimes, you have to find solace within yourself, too. It's a way to cope, though... admittedly a difficult one.
Oh, I'm not very good at that. [the solace within herself, she means.] I've never been alone in my life.
[she glances at them, and then:]
Maybe lonely isn't the right word. Maybe, uh. Maybe isolated? I don't know.
[feeling like she can't offer out how she feels because it'd rock the boat, because she doesn't deserve to, pulling back and away because when she does get the guts to try, she isn't lup. she's someone else. it's difficult to be in her own skin, after months of pretending to be something she isn't.]
[ they scooch a little bit closer, now near the bed, and there's a brief moment where they lift their hand underneath their veil and clear their throat, dropping it back down into their lap. ]
Perhaps it is a bit easier to spend time... to be lonely with someone who may commiserate, at least a little. [ there's a little smile in their voice, there, wry. ] Less isolated, perhaps.
[ they make a soft noise that might be a laugh, dipping their head. ]
I won't. [ no tears. ] It's been a very long time since I have.
As for the job, I... [ mmm. they seem tired, for a moment, shoulders dropping. ] ...there are aspects that are difficult, and there are some I don't mind. The more menial parts of the work keep me busy, and... I suppose keep my mind occupied, too, when things are...
[ there's a pause. they trail off there, and then shake their head. ]
... No matter how much you prepare, sometimes, there's nothing that can quite match reality.
and - they snort, once, at first. a huge despair, huh? ] That's - [ though, then she winces, and they lift their hands like they're going to reach out, then curl them. ]
she just kind of lays there, still, expression pained for a long second. her side is especially bothering her, and she has to take a few steadying breaths to ease up.]
Ow. [she mutters, bringing a hand over to rest on her side.]
My hitpoints... [wehhhh...] If anybody comes after me tonight I'm going to be so angry. Not in the mood!
this baby! orion huffs a little bit, shaking their veiled head as they let their hands drop again, though one curls at the edge of the bedframe. they are patient, at least, watching her with concern. ]
Your...hit points should hopefully do better with some rest. [ fretful, maybe, as they point this out. they don't say anything to the second part, though she may feel like she's getting just a little bit of a look from orion.
anyway: ] If you're still in pain... Saturday evening, perhaps Aquila or one of the others can attend to you for a task to be completed.
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guestservices) wrote2022-06-09 12:18 pm
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…..
And then a pause, and then the shadows appear and Orion steps into her room. they keep their distance for the moment, but greet maybe quieter than usual: ] Good evening.
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Hey, bud. [she sighs it out.]
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there’s another pause. ]
…hello. [ before they fold their hands in front of themselves. ] This does seem better than typing.
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Just a little. [she doesn't move much.] Moving hurts. Sorry.
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[ a little awkwardly, they shift and then make their way over fully. ]
So… being a “third”.
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It's dumb. I'm dumb. I'm a strong independent elf. [she's really just saying whatever comes to mind.]
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[ ... ] I don't think it's an unnatural feeling for anyone to have. Everyone wants to belong, don't they...? No matter how large or small the amount of people involved.
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But everywhere else - everywhere else. I'm Wrath. I'm Phoenix, I'm Aerith, I'm someone else's Lup. [silence, and then:] I haven't felt like I belong anywhere since before the station. It's a new feeling.
[she doesn't like insecurity, actually! it sucks!]
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... they're quiet for a second longer, before they respond. ]
I know how that feels. [ but they don't extrapolate, really, just looking down at their gloved hands before they speak again. ] ... There's a certain expectation to being someone that others place upon you, whether it's on purpose or on accident. And, when you can't be that person... it becomes easy to question if you should be. Or... that you could be no one at all, as if that could perhaps be easier.
It is rather lonely.
[ ... ] If it helps any, we don't know you, and all of us have enjoyed you as you are. Not as someone else.
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she's had such a day that it kind of kicks her in the chest a little, and she turns her head to hide her face.]
I uh. I appreciate it. [she says, quietly. but it kind of just sounds like she's being polite, maybe, which is terrifying. maybe she has more brain damage from falling out of the tree than she thought.
still. she's thinking about what they said. she has to sort of mull it over, because her brain is soup.]
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they reach into their sleeve, and quietly, without saying anything else, pass over a little handkerchief with a star on it, setting it on the bed. just in case she needs it. ]
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...Miss Lup...
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[scrubs at her eye in frustration!! and then winces because ow her face.] I'm good.
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[ they huff a little bit, but. ]
... For everything you've been through - and not just today - it is alright to be. [ a pause. airquotes. ] ... not so good.
... If there's one thing I'm very good at, it's keeping secrets. So, I don't mind.
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It's not that it's a secret.
[a long pause.]
You said it's lonely. And that's what it comes down to, I guess.
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Mm. [ they glance down, absently tugging at their gloves. their voice is soft, here. ] Having to live like that is - I wouldn't recommend something like it to anyone.
...You have to forge your own connections beyond what people assume of you, and make sure they can't see you as anything else than the person you are now. That's the only thing you can control - who you are, and... controlling that sometimes can be more difficult than it might seem.
And... for that loneliness, it... sometimes, you have to find solace within yourself, too. It's a way to cope, though... admittedly a difficult one.
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Oh, I'm not very good at that. [the solace within herself, she means.] I've never been alone in my life.
[she glances at them, and then:]
Maybe lonely isn't the right word. Maybe, uh. Maybe isolated? I don't know.
[feeling like she can't offer out how she feels because it'd rock the boat, because she doesn't deserve to, pulling back and away because when she does get the guts to try, she isn't lup. she's someone else. it's difficult to be in her own skin, after months of pretending to be something she isn't.]
There's nothing you can do about it.
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....well. I can... keep you company, at least.
[ they scooch a little bit closer, now near the bed, and there's a brief moment where they lift their hand underneath their veil and clear their throat, dropping it back down into their lap. ]
Perhaps it is a bit easier to spend time... to be lonely with someone who may commiserate, at least a little. [ there's a little smile in their voice, there, wry. ] Less isolated, perhaps.
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We both have jobs we didn't really want to do, huh. [...] Don't cry.
[don't tease!!! it's rude!! they are being so nice to you, lup.]
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I won't. [ no tears. ] It's been a very long time since I have.
As for the job, I... [ mmm. they seem tired, for a moment, shoulders dropping. ] ...there are aspects that are difficult, and there are some I don't mind. The more menial parts of the work keep me busy, and... I suppose keep my mind occupied, too, when things are...
[ there's a pause. they trail off there, and then shake their head. ]
... No matter how much you prepare, sometimes, there's nothing that can quite match reality.
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[but she doesn't say anything else as far as that.]
That's how I felt. The busywork helps. But uh, there's always some huge despair hanging over your head, right?
[she shifts, and then winces, holding her breath again. ow ow ow.]
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[ ...but, that's all, if she lets it go.
and - they snort, once, at first. a huge despair, huh? ] That's - [ though, then she winces, and they lift their hands like they're going to reach out, then curl them. ]
...careful.
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she just kind of lays there, still, expression pained for a long second. her side is especially bothering her, and she has to take a few steadying breaths to ease up.]
Ow. [she mutters, bringing a hand over to rest on her side.]
My hitpoints... [wehhhh...] If anybody comes after me tonight I'm going to be so angry. Not in the mood!
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this baby! orion huffs a little bit, shaking their veiled head as they let their hands drop again, though one curls at the edge of the bedframe. they are patient, at least, watching her with concern. ]
Your...hit points should hopefully do better with some rest. [ fretful, maybe, as they point this out. they don't say anything to the second part, though she may feel like she's getting just a little bit of a look from orion.
anyway: ] If you're still in pain... Saturday evening, perhaps Aquila or one of the others can attend to you for a task to be completed.
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